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# dear journal
- URL: https://zoe.amountaingoat.com/dear-journal/
- Published: 2026-08-23T16:57:12.000Z
- Updated: 2026-08-23T16:57:12.000Z
- Author: patatramz 🌷

today i am very frustrated, and it was because the printer didn't work. 

But there must be more to it. A shitty printer is not supposed to send me spiraling down for 45min and feeling like my chest is tightened. I also don't like when I do something for someone and this someone doesn't give me all the clues I need and then what I do for them ends up being wrong or useless. It's not my fault if I don't have all the details. I also made sure to send a check list before I start, and that check list was confirmed, so I know I am okay and not in the wrong here but that is also frustrating. I don't think I will learn any lesson from this. I don't even know if there is any lesson to learn? I don't want to be that grumpy all the time, I wish I were more casual and nonchalant. I have never been nonchalant a single day in my life.

I hate that some people think I'm so chill and relax and I don't care about anything just because I don't do things or don't react to certain things. I would say I am the exact contrary of chill and relax. How can they not know me that much? I am literally an open book, and I can't lie without it being super obvious. But then apparently I fool everyone into thinking I'm okay. Am I a liar? Do I put on a character that no one can read through? Do people not care? My friends? My family? Do they all just choose to pretend I'm okay because they can't or don't want to deal with me? I would understand that, but I never asked for anything. I don't ask anyone for any help, and yet it's already too much. What am I supposed to do?

For the past two-three months I've been feeling very unwell. So I stopped texting people for hang-outs. And all of sudden, no hang-outs anymore. I understand it's summer and everyone is away so I will wait September to draw my final conclusions, even though I think everyone should have at the very least one free afternoon in two months, but whatever. I have always been known to be the organiser in every group or friendship I've had. Because I genuinely love planning dates and events and stuff, and looking forward to events brings me almost as much joy as the actual hang-out. But I wasn't aware it was a one-way thing. Can't people organise their life? Am I annoying? Boring? Is no one worried that I disappeared from internet? Or again, did I just fool everyone by making minimum appearances here and there that would just satisfy their curiosity? In this city I am not anyone's priority anymore. I realize I've probably never been. Which sucks. I should've been my own priority this whole time, but I've never done that and probably never will. I mean it's not something I want. I think? 

The printer still doesn't work   
and I am lonely and I am not heard. 

all this doesn't apply to you